Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Welcome to my world! - glass half empty, read on.



I recently asked if lovely blog reading folk would like posts that were not merely beauty based, and the answer was a definitive, yes. I love beauty, adore it, obsess about it and could write about my adoration every day. But there is another part of being Rougepout, the non beauty part, complexed, complicated, sarcastic, pessimistic, awkward, maternal, shy, bubbly, dark, dry sense of humour, fiercely loyal, supportive, empathic, enthusiastic, sad, happy, frightened, anxious - they are all me and a fair few more. 




So let's hit the pessimistic self with a smattering of shy for good measure.  Glass half empty, it's not the best attitude but by god it prepares you for what may go wrong, no nasty surprises if you have laid awake for nights rehearsing every scenario that could happen. By the time the actual 'happening' is occurring you are prepared for anything, the good, the bad and the ugly. Bad stuff happens and when it does you learn to recognise the proper heart wrenching hard knocks that life offers readily, it has taught me to be prepared for the very worse and value the happy stuff, but also not to hide and think it won't happen because it will, no matter how much you convince yourself it won't, it will and it does. 
I have lived with a sense of dread on a couple of occasions, they hovered around me, stopping me in my tracks sometimes, wondering what this feeling was but never quite showing itself until reality came calling, my life changed forever and the dread went on it's merry way. Maybe it was sixth sense, maybe my pessimistic side was turned up to the highest notch, it certainly had me waiting, and it delivered. the second time it happened I was super aware of it, i talked about it at work, I shared this feeling that something wasn't right, that something would happen. It did - even now former colleagues remember my thoughts and worries, how could I have known, was I just ridiculously a worrier that my worse nightmare of losing a parent would of course one day play out to be that very happening. My father died and the dread again evaporated away.
I have always been a worrier, as a child I was always frightened and worried about something, witches in the wardrobe (I checked every night but they were never in, witches go out at night, never thought of that did I?) I was worried I would be asked to say something in class, to actually speak, the answers I knew that I never put my hand up to acknowledge my understanding of the subject. I loathed and still do to a point being centre stage, I love making a fuss of others but I prefer to hide away. 
The odd thing is when I tell people any of this they laugh, yes I'm fairly amusing, but it's the fact that I am there taking about being scared and shy and anxious with bright red lipstick and I film YouTube videos, I am out there, about as out as you can be. I talk to a camera and I go out with a lipstick colour of blood and I am suggesting I am terrified & waiting for the bad stuff. 
For me red lipstick was a natural progression, it felt from the start like a part of me was being added, i recognised myself in this bullet of colour and felt comfortable, never awkward just me.
I film videos and I truly love it, but I don't see anyone when I film them, I am alone, safe in my world and putting them out there feels very natural and never scary. I have been blessed with such amazing support and loyalty from subscribers from across my social media that it's made the whole experience a positive one in the generosity and kindness of strangers who are now friends I respect and value. 
Behind the red lipstick, the bubbly YouTube offerings is a grown woman who still gets horribly anxious when anything remotely social lands in my diary. I have missed so many events, birthdays, hen nights, weddings etc because I just couldn't face the arena of small talk and eye contact. As a child eye contact isn't a biggy but for a grown woman who is so damn nervous that eye contact with another adult is body shaking it comes across as rude. I don't do small talk (what do you do, what do you drive, where do you live?) I was brought up to never ask questions, it's rude, wait for the person to offer conversation, so this has stifled me, because I have no conversation to offer, just awkward ramblings and no doubt the obvious need to be elsewhere. 
Pessimism and chronic anxiety go hand in hand, people won't and can't like me because I am an adult who doesn't behave as we are told we should, so I prepare myself to be disliked over being liked.
I have also always suffered with a hearing problem, which has meant that a crowded room is a deafening distraction, I just can't hear a damn thing people are saying, add music to this and I may as well bow out before I have even tried to make the effort. 
As an adult we are expected to behave in certain ways, we have a lot of expectations heaped upon us, just as children are told that they should be doing this, achieving that, reading at this level, writing at that - adults have the same pressures but why???
Now in my forties and feeling very happy to be me, I decided that I don't have to fight this pessimistic person I am, embrace it, it's me. I am not and will never be like others because then I wouldn't be me. I am different and it's taken forty plus years to stop feeling guilt for being the very person I should have always had faith in. It may not be rational, or explained in a diagram from some self-help book from Amazon ("You're Weird But Why?"), what is wrong with being prepared for the worse?, at least I'm ready for it, why should I feel so crippled by social occasions, it is silly and irrational but I do and it feels damn real to me. 

So this is part of who I am, my friends may not recognise this behaviour because with them I am relaxed and comfortable. It's there with me everyday, new situations, waiting, wondering, trying not to spill my half empty glass.

Now I must check that wardrobe, there's a broomstick outside!


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